I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
