In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
