i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
