So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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