A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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