was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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