I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
