when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
