I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
