Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
