I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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