Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
