I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
