Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize