Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
