help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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