Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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