would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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