you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
