felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize