I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
