How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
