Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize