I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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