You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
