You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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