On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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