I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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