i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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