Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
