I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
