I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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