Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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