just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
