Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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