is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
