I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
