I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
