Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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