I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize