walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
