yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
