Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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