is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
