Can i not drive my cunt home
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
