It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
