look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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