I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He passed out mid-signature
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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