thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We have started to decorate penises.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
