As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
