Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
