Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize