I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
