I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
