member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
