masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
