Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
