haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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