my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
