pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
