He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
