this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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