my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
