your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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