I love black thongs
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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