Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
